The Darkside of the Fistpump

There is a general sense of Fistpumping that seems to have clouded the minds of the masses. The most epic Fistpumps in the history of civilized culture have come in times of jubilation. Kirk Gibson, Tiger Woods, Rob Nydick after losing his virginity (two weeks ago), which is all well and good. But as times progress, so must the Fistpump. In no way am I suggesting to suspend Fistpumps of triumph, what I am suggesting is allowing yourself to expand the boundaries of the Fistpump, and from time to time deliver a Fistpump of righteous indignation. That’s right, if you’re pissed, you’re mad, you’re chomping at the bit to pummel someone’s livelihood into a mess of primordial ooze; stop for a moment, and consider the Fistpump.

To many, this may seem like a confusing proposal. “But Cyrus,” you may ask “aren’t Fistpumps to be used in times of drunken debauchery and explicit acts of sexual congress?” Yes, but with all things good, eventually the well will run dry, if only for a short period of time. Therefore if you’ve run out of booze, cannot find a bum to give $3 to in exchange for alcoholic purchases, or have come to the realization that explicit acts of sexual congress are not and will never be in the cards for you, Fistpump. As we know, and as scientists have successfully proven, Fistpumping is without a doubt the most powerful expression of body language among man and beast. Societies have been built on the Fistpump, this is true, but societies have also fallen under the strike of a devastating Fistpump of death (while left out of the movie, it is speculated that Achilles Fistpumped over the fallen body of Hector).

In a sense the Fistpump is like a human brain. Its power gives us advantages over many other creatures, but we have merely unlocked a fraction of its capacity. The sheer potential of the Fistpump can bring crowds to their feet, but we have yet to unlock the ability to bring the masses to their knees. As human beings, we lust for power, and may only be motivated for an above average work ethic when there is power potentially in our grasp. Still not sure where I’m going with this? You will very soon, but first ponder this quote from Darth Vader to Luke Skywalker, “You don't know the power of the dark side,” and realize just how true it is.

Consider the Fistpump as The Force. As we all know, The Force balances the universe. You have the good (Luke, Yoda, Samuel L. Jackson) and the bad (Darth Vader, Darth Mal, Madonna), or as it is better known, the dark side. So to simplify, from here on out we will call this new theory, the Darkside of the Pump. As we found very quickly, harnessing the power of the dark side of the force can be very tricky, if done incorrectly you may be left limbless sizzling on the beach of a lava infested planet having every last piece of body hair burnt off until you resemble Sean Patrick Flannery in the 1995 smash hit Powder. As a Fistpumper, to realize your own potential, you may have to go through a kind of rebirth, a Fistpump cleansing if you will, simply to comprehend the full possibilities of the Darkside of the Pump. As we see, Anikan Skywalker dies, but is reborn as the more powerful Darth Vader and eventually exacts his revenge on a much older, much less prepared Obi-Wan Kenobi, in which case I would contend that the deciding factor was the extended period of time in which Anikan/Darth Vader had to channel the energy of the dark side.

Now before you take these words to literally, remember, the Fistpump is not a tool of destruction. It is true that based on the association of the Fistpump with such figures as Tiger Woods and Dee Snyder, the Fistpump will likely go down in the annals of time as an act coinciding with a night of heavy drinking or a field goal with the play clock expiring in the Super Bowl (the Gramatica family should consider staying away from celebratory Fistpumps). However, never underestimate the power of the Darkside of the Pump. It can be equivalent to a rim job; we don’t much consider it, and it seems too much for us to handle, likely wouldn’t tell our parents about it, but we all think about it, and it probably feels pretty damn good (Note: the author has never participated in such acts of sexual congress). So the next time a bouncer takes your ID, a parent tells you to “stop doing that to the dog, it’s illegal and probably warrants a flogging in some countries,” a bum runs off with $70 you just gave him to buy cocaine, or a cop tells you to go home because “there have been reports of a man fitting your description dressed as a pirate harassing locals with a giant dildo demanding your wallet for ‘his plunder’”; look them right in the eye, curl your lip, raise your eyebrow, remember the darkside, and Fistpump.

Cyrus is a Fistpumps.com columnist and Fistpumping Ambassador to India. This is his first column.

Dreamweaver Templates Resources