Thursday February 08, 2007

The Summer’s Top 10 Fistpumps That Never Happened

As I sit here in my ivory tower known as Wawa Corporate Headquarters, I reflect upon all the great fistpumps I’ve experienced since my last column (Fistpumping in Cancun!).  While I was going to write about great fistpumps I’ve witnessed these past 4 months, I decided to discuss the ones that occurred outside the public eye.  Fistpumps you can almost be certain occurred without actually seeing them.  Each for different reasons and reflective of a wide variety of emotions, they truly represent the vast array of pumping styles. Without any further ado, I give you the Summer of Theoretical Fistpumps’ Top 10 list:

10.   Mets @ Phillies 4/19/2005

If you were at this game, you probably remember better then me; it was an old fashion ass whopping. Mets won 16-4.  That in itself probably elicited one hell of a fistpump out of me, but that was not all that happened that night.  The seven homers hit by the Amazin’s including a Grand Slam by David Wright was nothing compared to the night I had.  In the parking lot where we arrived at 4:30 for a 7:00 start I received a phone call from Wawa Human Resources offering me a internship position…fistpump…a case of beer and a bottle of vodka later, we were inside the game where the beer was flowing like bullshit from my mouth and the Metropolitans were dominating like Danny Amonte in the 2001 Little League World Series.  A few beers later, some nice Philadelphia police officers were asking/telling me to vacate the premises.  Apparently, constant fistpumping and screaming, “LET’S GO, METS GO!” is not acceptable behavior at Citizens Bank Ballpark.  While this usually would not qualify for a Theoretical Fistpump because it actually happened, I don’t remember it so it didn’t in my mind.

9.      2005 US Open at Pinehurst No. 2

Going into the Open there were millions of questions flooding the minds of sports writers, like myself, and the casual golf fan alike.  Would Tiger continue his quest for the Grand Slam, adding onto his impressive victory at Augusta a few short weeks before?  Would Mickelson add a US Open to his resume to go with the 2004 Masters? Would Vijay Singh take the National Championship thus returning him to the #1 ranking reclaimed by Woods at the Masters?  The answer to all of these questions was a resounding NO!  Michael Campbell came out of nowhere to move up from 4^th place to win the Open and everyone stopped to say, “Who the fuck is this guy?”  Cue the “Who the fuck is this guy? Biography” during the Sunday broadcast.  You know there was one guy, sitting at the end of the bench outside the production trailer just waiting to be called in by the producers to put together what he does best, the WTF Montage.  And like in Rudy when the whole stadium calls for Rudy, the viewers were calling for the King of the WTF by simply thinking in their minds who’s this Campbell guy and why is he winning the US Open? And so it happened, “Get on in there!” exclaimed the producer. WTF Boy only pausing for a second to fistpump jumped into action and put together a montage that informed us of Campbell’s past, and what brought him to the podium on Sunday.  But you have to ask yourself, while entertaining and touching, did the montage really answer your question, Who is this Campbell clown and why can’t he fistpump like Tiger? Tears? Tears? Who forgoes a fistpump for tears when winning the US Open?

8.      3 words, Eli to Plaxico

You may be saying to yourself, “I’ve seen Derek Whalen and Joe Chott fistpump until sore in the shoulder over the Plaxico Burress signing.” But I can only imagine what Eli Manning did when he heard he had a ball catching machine like Plaxico playing by his side.

7.      Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon upon hearing about the T.O. drama

Is there really anything better then these two jokes fight it out over who’s going to come out victorious in T.O.’s preseason holdout.  You know Wilbon put some Tiger Woods into his.

6.      Arena Bowl XIX organizers

They lasted XVIII years longer then the XFL and they got to stay in Vegas with Jon Bon Jovi. Does anyone know who won? I’m pretty sure everyone loses.

5.      The Pittsburgh Penguins’ General Manager, Craig Patrick on Lottery Day

Nothing better then starting the “New NHL” with Sydney Crosby, either the greatest success since Gretz himself or the greatest bust since the Columbus Blue Jackets.

4.      Bob Geldolf at the Conclusion of Live 8

I bet he let out a tremendous fistpump and a Frank Costanza-esque “I’m back baby!” After 20 years of near anonymity, Geldof was back in the spotlight meeting with George Bush, Nelson Mandela, Tony Blair and this time, no one remembers The Boomtown Rats.  Of course he learned something everyone else already knows, no one listens when Bono speaks and no one really cares about Africa.  I think I saw that there were 14 people at the show in Rome. If the Polyphonic Spree played there would have been more people on stage then in the audience.

3.      Derek Jeter upon the completion of the Kentucky Derby

Finally Big Stein will start paying attention to the Captain again.  Bellamy Road finished a shocking 7^th after coming to the gates a 5-2 favorite.  Like a reconciling couple, Stein apologizes to Jeter and promises he’s the only big, strong, dark animal for him.

2.      Landon from Real World Philadelphia during Danny’s demise on Real World Austin

You know that while everyone is sharing in Danny’s pain after getting owned in a fight outside a bar on episode 1 and then after his mother died in last week’s episode, Landon is pumping his fist with incomparable ferocity.  Landon was sweating during the Austin debut episode when he saw his near clone moving into the Austin house.  Like countless cast members before him, Landon was about to become the old news frat boy of the house.  He would have to be happy with living in The Miz’s shadow on The Inferno XI and all but forgotten by Real World fans everywhere.  But in a much needed righting of the universe, Boston received its first disappointment of the year.  Danny missed much of the early season fun recovering from his ass kicking and is now home mourning the death of his mom.  And so it came to pass, Landon lives to be remembered for one more season with no threats coming from the blindsided orphan.

1.      Rob “CB” Nydick upon being invited to Detroit by his man-crush, Chris Auffenberg

I know, I know. Nothing makes for a bad column more then inside jokes, but this one needed to be done.  Auffenberg invited CB to join him on his trip back to Michigan to visit his family and enjoy some much-needed rest before his senior year.  CB elated with the opportunity to grow his relationship with Chris threw a Kirby Puckett 1992 World Series fistpump while running to his room to pack his swimmies and blookers (a casual shoe used for yachting.)  While they are still off on their romantic vacation, one can only speculate as to what is transpiring.  Will it be like Meet the Parents or Guess Who? Where everything that can go wrong for CB will.  Will Chris parents see CB as a deranged pervert who tried to milk the cat, or will it go the way of Wedding Crashers where everything goes great until the jealous boyfriend exposes CB for what he really is?

Be sure to check back soon, classes start in a week. That means 15 free hours a week to work on updates.

Jim@fistpumps.com

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